Posted by Anonymous on 2014/02/13 under Uncategorized You were hurting me long before you hurt me last night. By using me for sex and then treating me in a way where I knew you didn’t care about me anymore made me doubt myself, made me very insecure, and just made me a pretty miserable person when I was around you. You we’re pretty clear that you weren’t excited to spend time with me anymore. You stopped inviting me over, you stopped making an effort to see me when I invited you over, you couldn’t do anything for me anymore the way i was still doing things for you. you couldnt reciprocate gifts. you stopped kissing me. i could tell when they stopped meaning things to you. you stopped hugging me. you even stopped texting me and replying to my messages. i literally felt so second rate to you compared to the rest of your friends. that’s definitely not happening anymore. i care about myself enough and i have enough self-respect to not let you do that to me. i dont want to give you the power to make me feel this way. there are so many guys who i could’ve been with but i stuck with you, the person who made me feel unwanted. i dont know why i did that to myself and that’s why i was so angry all the time with you. cause you made me feel so unwanted and worthless and yet i stuck around hoping that you would change. sometimes i think that maybe things would have been better if i just didn’t know the truth- instead you just fixed things and we kept going until the end- because ignorance truly is bliss. and things can never be the same between us. things happened the way they did and now i have to deal with it. you say you want me as a part of your life? if that’s really true, you’re gonna have to prove that to me and essentially make up for everything you’ve done over the past couple of months. it’s gonna take a long time for me to feel alright about this and to forgive you. you’re gonna have to show me what you said in that facebook message isn’t just bulls***. i want to believe you because even after all this i still do think that you’re a better person than you present yourself to be. Because we potentially have such a limited time left together here in hamilton, i’m not opposed to moving past this and just hanging out as friends. but i’m totally taking a step back in the sense that i don’t want to take the initiative to message you anymore or see you or do things to show you that i care (even as a friend for now) because that just puts me in another really good place to get hurt. so what that means that all of the ownest is on you to make me feel like you do care about me (as a friend like you say) and even more or in a different way as your other friends (again like you say) because if that doesn’t happen then I don’t know if i can see you as a part of my life (or vice versa). I need to rebuild my trust in you but that is something that you have to earn. i trusted you with everything and now i don’t really know if you’re there for me. I have really good friends. like really really good. I’m good at staying in contact with my friends even when we’re far apart. and i’m good at making new friendships too. but the things with my friends and i is that if youre my friend, then you really have to be my friend. like i called nick and colleen yesterday at like 1 and 3 in the morning and both of them either picked up or returned my call within 10 minutes and spoke to me and reassured me for as long as i needed. and the thing is that i feel like i could have done that with any one of my friends and they wouldve reacted the same way. thats the kind of friendship that i give back to them and am willing to give to you, but you have to get there with me now. that pretty much means that all of those small things that i needed from you before, i still need now in just a friendship. you have to open up to me. you have to make me a priority (i understand within reason). if im gonna be your friend, i want to feel included in your life because you want me to be not because i keep pushing to be a part of it. like when youre studying, you dont invite me. and i was really disappointed about the lulus because i actually thought you were gonna get me them for christmas. youve never really gotten me anything before. (its not about the gift but rather the gesture) so do you get what i’m saying and what i’m proposing, and what that means i need from you?
And yet i still stupidly held on to the notion that you cared about me the same way you did before and you just were having a hard time of showing it. I talked to you about this numerous times and you never said anything. you just kept using me for sex.
because the second i feel second rate or unwanted again, that’s it. i feel like i’ve given you a lot of chances already and you haven’t really done much with them. this is the last chance.